All New Everything.

Here I am again,

Struggling once more. I just moved back to the DMV (living in Maryland) from SW Virginia. A new job, new place to live, new problems in my life.

I thought I had everything figured out before I moved.  I already had a job waiting on me so it was pretty much just get childcare worked out before school started and everything would be good. I could focus more on my health and weight loss. I could take better care of myself and my daughter. I would be able to save money. I could go to college. I had a good game plan. But that is not what GOD had in mind for me.

Things have been all types of crazy since my move. Between having to get a new car and financial issues, things just did not go as planned. That lead to more stress, more bad eating habits and more unhappiness for myself.

Its been a long, uncomfortable, and unhappy road to try to figure out my life and it hasn't gotten any easier. It may have even gotten worse. I honestly hate to complain about anything in my life considering I know there are many people out there that have it wayyyy worse than I do. So all I will say is that it has been a long time since I have really been happy, if I have ever really been there. Its been a long time since things have just gone right in my life.

I can't really figure out how to make things happen in my life because I feel like I know very little about myself. In high school, I got along with everyone for the most part but my junior and senior year, I turned into a partier. Hit the club every weekend. But then I got pregnant at 18 and everything changed. I realized after it was too late that if I knew anything about myself, I knew I didn't want to be the statistic that I made myself so I knew that I had to do something. I had to do better in my life. My intuition told me that things weren't going to last with my child's father but I stuck around for her sake. Of course, my intuition was right because before she turned a year old, I left him. I knew the life of a single parent was hard. I was pretty much a single parent through our entire "relationship". Since my daughter was born in 2010, my entire being has been focused on her. So as I grew and matured, I spent no time trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life or what makes me happy as a person. My daughter and I moved to DC and I went to school and became a Massage Therapist. It started out as something to pay the bills but grew into something I honestly love to do.  And while I knew its not something I wanted to do full time (40 hours a week) for the rest of my life,  I still was lost on what exactly it is that I want to do. I focus so much on my daughter that I know nothing about myself.  I just recently applied to go to college at the University of the District of Columbia. I am still mostly undecided but I think I want to major in Criminal Justice and Psychology. Maybe with expanding my mind with going back to school, it will help my find myself and grow myself into a better woman, mother and person all around. I am also going to work on a better relationship with GOD. I have been a Christian and a believer in GOD for as long as I can remember. I lost sight of that and since then, things in my life have been on the rocks. Time to change that.

And beyond that, I can't figure out what makes me happy and be happy with life until I am happy with myself. Since having my daughter, I have had some serious self-esteem issues. I have to say that being called fat and other names from someone who you created a beautiful child with and who supposedly loved you didn't help. I had PPD after my daughter was born and food somehow made me feel better. Little did I know that I packed on a lot of pounds. One day I stepped on the scale and I was at 200 lbs. Unfortunately, when I get depressed or upset about something I eat. Then get upset that I ate so much, and end up eating more. Its been a downward spiral and I don't want to be brought down any further. I plan to get healthier and lose weight. I have to learn to love myself in the skin I am in. By loving myself, I can care about myself enough to stick with a weight loss program and not let myself give in or give up. I also cut my hair in April so that I could return my hair to its natural state. This has been an experience in itself because I feel like it forces you to find the beauty within yourself if you've never been comfortable with short hair or if you have always defined yourself by your hair. I have had to discover that I am not my hair and my hair is not me. Its still a struggle to be confident, but it is a work in progress. So with the combo of this natural hair and weight loss journey, I have hopes to find, grow and love myself more than I ever have.

Its gonna be tough, I am going to get more stressed out. Especially if I get accepted into school. Figuring out how to pay bills and pay for college. I will have to change my hours at work and probably work even more on the weekends. I will have less time to spend with my daughter. All I can tell myself is that in the end, every bit of this will be worth it.

XOXO,

J